Thursday, December 22, 2011
Thursday, December 15, 2011
these are my nights...
My date tonight and planking dog... (upset over the opening of this Chateau.. guess I had to drink it)
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Terminator
I find it strange how even after 20 years, I still have the same re-occurring nightmare, I know what caused it... there was a period of time when I was very young and in an awkward position in my life... life on limbo. My mother was involved with a man, an evil man. During this duration of time the Terminator movies were popular, one night I had the start of my re occurring dreams... this man had turned into Terminator and killed everyone close in my life. His goal was to terminate every life that was good...
To this day I cannot stand to watch any Terminator movie... which sucks cause my husband likes action films.
Just last night, I got some Terrible-Terrible-Terrible (must be pretty bad) news that left me in tears for hours... someone very close to me has been going through years of trying to find himself. He has been in and out of good and bad relationships with women of all sorts... materialistic ones, (excuse the term) loose ones, and then finally the PERFECT one... I approved of this recent woman, she was just what he needed. She took him into her home and never once held it over his head while he was trying to find himself. Yes they had those 'oil and vinegar' moments like everyone else, but she was good for him and he was good for her.
A week ago, I called him and asked him how life was since Thanksgiving and he said.... 'good and bad', he was in a battle to figure out if his love for this woman was worth changing himself for. My thoughts were given and of course I was biased that he stay with her and change (more like sacrifices). Then finally he confronted that he was going to break it off with her... immediately my heart stopped. Why would he do this to himself.. and then I remembered. This young man has had every good women walk out of his life, including me. I reminded him that she would not do this to him, she loved him more than he knew; she confessed her love to me just nights prior.. she wanted to continue to make him happy and complete.
So in the end of the conversation a week ago, I left it on a happy note and had faith that all would prevail and he would work on doing what was best.
Then......... last night is when it all turned sour.... She contacted me hysterically in tears and I knew there was something more; she had a secret, something was eating at her soul. I started with simple words of encouragement and optimism (I am a FIRM believer in positive psychology) but she is quite the opposite, I know she is a pessimist and athiest; a glass half empty kinda girl... and I am a glass half full kinda girl. Yes we have butted heads on certain topics, but quickly I say something true and positive and she can't compete- I WIN!
After some sad moments and uplifting ones ... she confesses to me this secret. This awful secret that left me cringing and uncomfortable and questioning this mans thought process... why would he not tell me of something soo crucial in his life.. something soo important; the beginning of a life? I was saddened to learn they had created a life and lost it 2 months later.. this to me is life changing. When you have something soo special created and then have it ripped out and crushed like in my Terminator dreams.. it can really eat at your soul.
I was told to take this secret to my grave; I promised. But there was the selfish side of me that kept asking why would this man... my brother.. not tell me of the life he created? I was torn. Was he afraid that I would have shunned him out of my life, was he embarrassed, was he upset with how life was going to be at that point he found out of becoming a parent? I wont know; I promised to keep this secret with me and her. But there is a side of me that wants to reach out and wrap my arms around him and tell him how sorry I am for this loss and walking out on him (I moved half a country away). There is a side of me that wants to tell him that it's ok to cry, its ok to be mad, its ok to hide.. but its not OK to leave this perfectly good woman. I am his sister; a motherly one, has always been.
He's not alone....
To this day I cannot stand to watch any Terminator movie... which sucks cause my husband likes action films.
Just last night, I got some Terrible-Terrible-Terrible (must be pretty bad) news that left me in tears for hours... someone very close to me has been going through years of trying to find himself. He has been in and out of good and bad relationships with women of all sorts... materialistic ones, (excuse the term) loose ones, and then finally the PERFECT one... I approved of this recent woman, she was just what he needed. She took him into her home and never once held it over his head while he was trying to find himself. Yes they had those 'oil and vinegar' moments like everyone else, but she was good for him and he was good for her.
A week ago, I called him and asked him how life was since Thanksgiving and he said.... 'good and bad', he was in a battle to figure out if his love for this woman was worth changing himself for. My thoughts were given and of course I was biased that he stay with her and change (more like sacrifices). Then finally he confronted that he was going to break it off with her... immediately my heart stopped. Why would he do this to himself.. and then I remembered. This young man has had every good women walk out of his life, including me. I reminded him that she would not do this to him, she loved him more than he knew; she confessed her love to me just nights prior.. she wanted to continue to make him happy and complete.
So in the end of the conversation a week ago, I left it on a happy note and had faith that all would prevail and he would work on doing what was best.
Then......... last night is when it all turned sour.... She contacted me hysterically in tears and I knew there was something more; she had a secret, something was eating at her soul. I started with simple words of encouragement and optimism (I am a FIRM believer in positive psychology) but she is quite the opposite, I know she is a pessimist and athiest; a glass half empty kinda girl... and I am a glass half full kinda girl. Yes we have butted heads on certain topics, but quickly I say something true and positive and she can't compete- I WIN!
After some sad moments and uplifting ones ... she confesses to me this secret. This awful secret that left me cringing and uncomfortable and questioning this mans thought process... why would he not tell me of something soo crucial in his life.. something soo important; the beginning of a life? I was saddened to learn they had created a life and lost it 2 months later.. this to me is life changing. When you have something soo special created and then have it ripped out and crushed like in my Terminator dreams.. it can really eat at your soul.
I was told to take this secret to my grave; I promised. But there was the selfish side of me that kept asking why would this man... my brother.. not tell me of the life he created? I was torn. Was he afraid that I would have shunned him out of my life, was he embarrassed, was he upset with how life was going to be at that point he found out of becoming a parent? I wont know; I promised to keep this secret with me and her. But there is a side of me that wants to reach out and wrap my arms around him and tell him how sorry I am for this loss and walking out on him (I moved half a country away). There is a side of me that wants to tell him that it's ok to cry, its ok to be mad, its ok to hide.. but its not OK to leave this perfectly good woman. I am his sister; a motherly one, has always been.
He's not alone....
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Monday, December 5, 2011
eyes close into darkness
as i sit her staring into darkness
i realize how lonely i am.
i don't look forward, nor do i look back,
i just look straight into the darkness.
nothing between me and the darkness can tear me away,
just me, alone.
i realize how unique this feeling is
at times when i stare into the darkness,
its a complete feeling that i rarely feel,
the feeling of void and removal of all my surroundings.
rare silence and a complete stop of all movements
this feeling becomes overwhelming
as rare as it appears
i wish for this feeling to visit me more often.
this rare darkness is pure from all the hate in the world
it takes me into a place where i feel alone,
replenished, its makes me feel whole again.
i can escape all the realities in the world,
concentrate on the silence and the moment.
this darkness is beautiful when my eyes close into darkness.
i realize how lonely i am.
i don't look forward, nor do i look back,
i just look straight into the darkness.
nothing between me and the darkness can tear me away,
just me, alone.
i realize how unique this feeling is
at times when i stare into the darkness,
its a complete feeling that i rarely feel,
the feeling of void and removal of all my surroundings.
rare silence and a complete stop of all movements
this feeling becomes overwhelming
as rare as it appears
i wish for this feeling to visit me more often.
this rare darkness is pure from all the hate in the world
it takes me into a place where i feel alone,
replenished, its makes me feel whole again.
i can escape all the realities in the world,
concentrate on the silence and the moment.
this darkness is beautiful when my eyes close into darkness.
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